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Hi, I'm Jamie. I'm a writer, reader, and huge TV junkie. I just might post about all three here on this blog. Have a look around. And if you want, drop me an email and tell me what you think. Thanks for visiting!

Monday, October 25, 2010

the never-ending scene blogfest!

When I came across this blogfest (I know, another one...I'm an animal!) I knew I just had to enter it. It sounds like it's gonna be really fun! I can't wait to read all the entries (and vote for my faves!). So here's my entry into Brenda Drake's awesome Never-ending Scene Blogfest...I hope you all enjoy!

“It’s big.” Sophie’s words mirror my thoughts. The Facility looks like a five-star hotel instead of a medical clinic. A glass castle…with armed guards.

“Don’t let it intimidate you.” I grab her hand and pull her with me. The two of us bring up the rear of the group. You can feel the tension in the air. No one wants to step through the security checkpoint; there’s no turning back after that. Not that we have a choice. It’s like the old military draft, when boys went to war against their will, barely trained and ready to kill. Except this isn’t war. This is survival.

I’m behind Sophie as we reach the burly-looking guards and their machine guns. They don’t look at us as we file through the large, grey chamber. Two more soldiers stand to the right of the chamber, staring intently at a small screen. It’s a body scanner. They’re making sure we aren’t concealing weapons. But why? Why would we bring weapons to a place like this? Has that happened before? And why the guns? Are we in danger? My mind swirls the questions together with fear and paranoia about what the innards of The Facility will bring as I wait impatiently for Sophie to be scanned. Once it’s my turn, I cautiously step onto the chamber platform. I barely get three feet inside when an ear-piercing siren sounds and both ends of the chamber seal shut.

My mind clouds with panic. I frantically rush the entrance of the chamber. I pound on the cold surface and scream for someone to help but I know I’m wasting my time. Why are they doing this to me? What did I do wrong? I don’t have a gun hidden anywhere, no other weapons. I didn’t even pack a fingernail file. I’m no threat here. Especially here. The Facility is supposed to be a place of hope. Why do they think I would destroy that?

I give up screaming and scan the chamber. My lungs tighten in my chest as the realization of my enclosed quarters sets in. The walls feel alive, moving, closing in on me. Don’t panic, Hannah. Don’t panic.

I fall against the door. My legs crumple beneath me. I’m defeated. They’ve won. I’ll do whatever they want if someone will just let me out of here. My mind can’t handle the claustrophobia. Reality warps. Shadows gripping the upper corners of the chamber begin to move. Long, black arms reach down, making contact with the cold floor. Lithe bodies peel from the walls. Two of them, equal in size and terror, move toward me. I don’t panic, don’t even acknowledge them. I can’t. I’m frozen with fear. Part of my brain knows this isn’t real; the rest is scared to death. I don’t want to die. I don’t want the shadow monsters to take me and torture me and kill me. As their gangly fingers make contact with my skin, my eyes close and everything goes black.

32 comments:

  1. Ooh, this was a good read. You definitely kept me wanting more, especially with that last line... very creepy.

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  2. Ha ha I like the way she thinks War is not about survival

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  3. Awesome writing and great cliffhanger! I'm v. impressed with the little bit of worldbuilding I see here, and the voice definitely comes through.

    Good luck!

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  4. Jeepers, I can really imagine myself shut inside a chamber and panicking with walls growing closer and closer - well done for that!
    Now I don't know if it's her imagination or if there's something supernatural here... I need to read more!

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  5. Whoa. That's crazy! Nicely done. I'm totally intrigued!

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  6. Very intense, and a great cliffhanger! I'm very curious about your world and story.

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  7. Good job! I really liked the scene setup here. It was easy to see what was happening.

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  8. Great cliffhanger! I agree, very intense! :D

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  9. First off- I so thought I followed you after the hook, line and sinker blogfest. Guess not. I am now though. Anyway- great tension here.

    Present tense seems to be sweeping this blogfest. Some are okay, but this one is great.

    Two things: the line "lungs tighten in my chest..." you can drop the "in my chest" bit because you don't have lungs anywhere elses (unless in you world you do- in that case keep it).

    The line "I don't panic, don't even acknowledge them really." She's mentioned them and told us what they look like so she's acknowledged them. IMHO you could cut everthing after the comma.

    Great read. I would turn the page.

    J

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  10. You did a fine job pulling me into this post-apocryphal world. The beginning in something like this needs to be written well, and it's especially effective. Good luck.

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  11. Oh nicely done! I have so many questions and would flip the page. wonderful scene for the blogfest. I really liked the idea of shadow creatures and how you gave her claustrophobia.

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  12. This really sucked me in! It's so intriguing! I'd love to be able to turn the page right now and keep reading :)

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  13. Hi,

    Simply loved the "Glass Castle" description - succint! As for the lure it works because element of impending danger lurks within the prose and when it strikes it impacts big time. Hellish situation, and one heck of cliffhanger!.

    best
    F

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  14. I like your use of first person present. It can be hard to pull off, but you did it quite well. The only thing that bothered me was not having any information about the MC. I didn't even know if it's a man or a woman. But great writing. I loved it.

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  15. Those shadow dudes creeped me the the heck out! This was very interesting and the present tense was very interesting. Great job.

    Edge of Your Seat Romance

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  16. You are an incredibly good writer and because I want you to do well, I have a couple of suggestions because you are so close to having a perfect read.

    1. use your word finder to see how many times you used the word "chamber" and tighten this a little.

    2. Two more soldiers stand to the right of the chamber, staring intently at a small screen. It’s a body scanner. They’re making sure we aren’t concealing weapons. (Don't explain your writing - try this) Two more soldiers stand to the right, staring intently at the small screen of the body scanner, making sure we aren't concealing weapons.

    Very Good.

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  17. Fan-freakin-tastic! Nicely paced, tense, lyrical phrases such as: "Lithe bodies peel from the walls. Two of them, equal in size and terror, move toward me."
    I would love to read more!

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  18. I hope people with claustrophobia don't read this. So compelling. This totally leaves you gasping for more. Excellent job Jamie.

    Michael D.

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  19. Nicely done. There is obvious tension and while I don't know the world or what is going on for sure, I definitely want to know more.

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  20. Hey the tension in this was mind blowing. Love the last paragraph with the short sentences. Adds so much tension. Great cliffhanger..:)

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  21. This was really chilling. you could feel her panic! Great job!

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  22. Great description, very suspenseful and unreal cliffhanger!

    Rach

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  23. Agh! Poor Hannah!

    "They’ve won. I’ll do whatever they want if someone will just let me out of here." - I want to know what it is they want from her. And this is supposed to be a place of hope, which makes me even more curious why this is happening there. Great cliffhanger!

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  24. Thanks for participating! We've judged your entry. o/\o *high five*

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  25. Hi,

    Just popped back to follow/stalk! Google was playing up big time for me but is now playing ball.

    Small tip: put your "follow me" near top of side column - most people are too lazy to go look for it but will follow if on view! ;)

    best
    F

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  26. eeek! Being claustrophobic would be horrible :-S Nice job :)

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  27. Excellent excerpt. Starts out so normal, and then the tension sets in. Well done.

    .........dhole

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  28. Congratulations on being chosen a semi-finalist!

    Loved your excerpt!

    Michael

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  29. Oh wow that was completely freakyly good! Great writing and absolutely worth being semi-finalist!

    Sorry my comment is a little late my internet died on me yesterday.

    Tessa.xx

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  30. So good! So, so good! Congrats, too!

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